My Life is not great, but it’s also not boring.
My Life often switches to two contrasting feelings and emotions with moderate intensity in between.
Lights On, Lights Off. Happy On, Happy Off. Anger On, Anger Off. Freedom On, Freedom Off. Hope On, Hope Off. Motivation On, Motivation Off. Fear On, Fear Off. Caring On, Caring Off. Living On, Living Off.
Everyone has a trigger. Everyone has a switch. Everyone has a choice.
Fight or Flight, Play On or End Game, Resist Evil or be Evil’s Weapon to Kill Others or Self.
I’m drawn to edgy experiences. I’m aware of their dangers, but I can’t deny myself of what makes me happy and excited. I can’t ignore what gives my life the fire it needs.
Being safe doesn’t mean living longer. Living longer doesn’t mean my Life has been more meaningful and productive. I will choose quality over quantity always. Enough is okay when my enough is filled with purpose, legacy and happiness that are my own.
My Life is constantly in a battle mode of good versus evil, beauty versus ugliness, happiness versus sadness, hope versus surrender, healing versus pain, light versus darkness, anger versus love and forgiveness, family versus self, others versus me, feel something versus feel nothing.
I could be surrounded with People, and still feel alone in what I really want. Conforming is easy, but being fully understood free of other People’s own interest is the hardest. It’s no surprise Mental Health is one of the most unaddressed global problem that has ruined many lives because People that are suppose to care, refuse to really care. All words, no honest, sincere actions. Posting a Mental Health Awareness Ad or Work Email is far different from extending our own selves to help someone.
Superficiality will never work in fixing the Mental Health Crisis. Violence to self and violence against others will not stop. Another Uvalde Shooting Massacre will happen, just like another Sandy Hook Shooting Massacre happened many times over after the tragic shooting that shocked the World. Dark Politics, the Mighty Gun Business and Gun Lovers will always win over ending the senseless killings. Blood Money is Power and Power does not have a conscience.
Our Government, our Police Security Department and our School Systems should make us feel safe, but they haven’t. At anytime, anyone can decide to turn off the Life Switch of the innocent out of fun, vengeance, anger, compulsion and the most unbelievable excuse of them all “Insanity,” when the Killer has a clear intention to buy a gun to kill as many and a sharp mind to carefully plan and execute the Shooting Spree.
Having a bad day is not an excuse to kill People. Having a Mental Health Problem is not an excuse to massacre defenseless Children and Teachers. Killing is killing, Murder is murder. No excuse of whatsoever in turning off the Life Switch of Another.
There should be no sugarcoating of a bloody massacre that was done without mercy and remorse by an Evil Person.
For those familiar with this Blog, my adventures are more than just having fun. It is my escape from something or someone. It is my refuge so I can go on. It is my way of screaming it all out so I can keep my sanity intact. It is my moments of short happiness so I won’t give up to the temptations of profound sadness and anger. It’s basically a survival coping and therapeutic mechanism.
My Blog Space is the only Safe Place where revealing my real self is truly accepted. No retaliation. No threats. No judgment and cruelty. No gossips. No glances and condemnation. No risks of being fired.
I decided to climb this side. I was fine till I reached the top. No more steps. I was stuck embracing the rock and my feet frozen on the top most steps. Either I slid down blindly or flip over. I can feel the strong winds trying to loosen my grip. For several seconds I felt fear. I decided to flip over landing on my back. Got scratches on my arms and legs. Fresh paint stuck on my arms. I was foolish. I was also lucky. I could have fallen and no one was there to help me.
Sometimes when darkness is winning and surrendering feels more of a relief than losing, giving in is easy. Sweet, sweet easy. Then my mind starts being imaginative, wildly imaginative.
The view and the experience were incredible at this spot of the Bunker. If I didn’t try, I wouldn’t have known how beautiful it was. It’s like looking at a live work of Art. Worth the risk.
“I won…for now.” Even those who seemingly have everything are not Winners all the time. They are just good in hiding from Public perception the times they lost. Every Winner was a Loser. Every Loser can become a Winner. The switch between Losing and Winning constantly changes. How far the game can go on is up for every Person. Some never gives up, others give in as soon as it becomes difficult. Game On, Game Off.
Then I snap out of my dark imagination, realizing I have a Family that depends on me. I can’t be selfish and just surrender. So I keep fighting the Demons around and within me, near and far, seen and invincible.
So many messages, warnings and clues on top of one another. Some have happened, others haven’t. Some were asking for help and no one saw, read or heard them.
Inside the Bunker, layers of Grafitti. Art or Trashing Vandalism? The answer depends on the eyes of its beholder. I saw through the Graffiti, People unseen even in broad daylight trying to vent their mental and emotional pain and Demons. This is the Devil’s Bunker after all.
I try to be a survivor not for myself but for those I love. If it’s just me, I don’t think it’s that hard to stop and take control of the final switch, or maybe disappear off the grid from everyone and be finally free of the switch.
Many like to go to Gray Whale Cove State Beach below, but the best view is actually at the top of the Devil’s Slide where one can see 360 degrees of wild, gorgeous Nature. Here, it’s easy to think away from the crowd and noise.
Genuinely appreciate and love your Friends and Family for who they are. Find time to really see them. Deeply understand their pain and sadness. Just be there. Listen patiently. Show kindness. Let them know in action and words that you care about their worries, heartaches, fears and troubles.
Discover if they are really smiling with happiness, or just smiling to please you and those around them. A smile can mean so many things. A smile can hide so many secrets. Sometimes, a smile is so effective that we discover the truth far too late.
A Doctor was found hanging in his own clinic dead in a very busy Medical Facility. He has a wife and children. No one knew he was suffering from severe Depression. No one knew he was carrying the weight of the World. He seems to have it all. No one knew he was so stressed, frustrated and angry with Administration and Management in charge of his Work and Life. He never asked helped. It is an embarrassing stigma and possibly a reason to be let go to seek Psychiatric help.
This is the dark secret Healthcare Providers and Workers suffer that is kept from Public Knowledge. They can help and save others, but asking help to be saved is made difficult and complicated.
Story was made quiet, it is a dark secret after all. Same dark, secret stories have tragically happened in the U.S. and the World over. And those who caused these events got away with it blood stains free.
There is always a Person or Group of People that caused another Human Being to believe his or her life is not worth living. They are the cause for someone to jump over the edge. There is always a Person or Group of People behind the anger that turned inwards. We may feel sad for the Victim who decided to end his or her life, but that Victim may have finally freed herself or himself from the many years of misery, abuse, stress and unhappiness. People like to speculate and judge those who committed Suicide without a slightest clue who the Person was and what drove that Person to turn off their Life Switch.
We don’t want to be the reason People gave up on living. We don’t want to be the cause they turned off their Life Switch. We will never be able to forgive ourselves if indeed we are the cause of their Death. Never.
We think we know People just because we grew up with them or raise them. We think we can read their minds and can predict their hearts just because we are married to them or they are our Moms and Dads, Sons and Daughters, Sisters and Brothers, Close Friends. We can’t. No way. There is always a part of someone that will never be visible to others. Just is.
Truth, we have no clue until People are ready to open up to reveal their truest self and everything that has been killing them slowly through the years. And they may never be ready. They may never open up. It sounds frustrating, but trying is not about us. It’s about them.
So what to do? Start being selfless. Start trying and understanding without judgement and prejudice. Start making an effort. Start small. Never give up when you fail. Try, try, try patiently and for as long as it takes. Shut up and just listen, listen, listen. Remember, those we love are worth it, same as we are worth it to those who love us.
Trust is not that easy to give back once that Person decide to close their hearts to years of abuse and pain. Patience, lots of patience. Understanding as deep and as far as we can go because that Person is very important and deserves better.
It takes one to know one. And I’m writing this because I’ve been there, and still am. There is nothing wrong in accepting, knowing, understanding, acknowledging, loving, forgiving and healing ourselves. In fact, it’s the most kind and noble gesture we can give ourselves. Self Truth, Love and Honesty. Self Forgiveness. Hope that our every dream is worth having, living.
We need to love ourselves exactly the way we wanted to be loved. We need to let others love us exactly the way we wanted to be loved. Nothing less, everything more. Perhaps doing so, we may just forget a Life Swith ever existed.
Many weep and honor People when they are Dead but few cared enough to make the Dead feel important, hopeful, loved, happy and safe when they were still alive. Ironic, but isn’t this the usual Nature and Attitude of many in our Society?
How come only few visits, appreciates and show kindness to the Living while the Dead gets thousands to millions of mourners, visitors, likes, comments and emojis with sad face, heart and hand held in prayer? Is it Guilt? Is it genuine thoughtfulness and sincerity? Is it Social Media Automated Instincts and Response?
When we are Dead, we are Dead. Nothing the Living will say or do makes a difference. But for those who are still alive, they need us still to make a big difference in their lives.
No one has the right to turn off the Life Switch of another Human Being whether it’s Murder or Suicide. In the end, we will face God for the horrible acts we have done, triggered or got away from. By then, no more coverups, excuses, privileges, power, money and politics.
Everything that worked on Earth will not work in Heaven or Hell. Justice for the Dead, and their justice will be payed for Eternity.