A Year of Almost No Regrets

People assume I have this amazing life. People assume I’m always happy. People assume I will say yes to everyone because I’m generalized as The Nice Guy. People assume I can help everyone. So many assumptions. So many expectations. So many assigned, implied roles and responsibilities.

I can’t say this year was all blissful and blessed. It had its worst to a point that I lost myself, and secretly wished I will just disappear so things will be over.

No more pain and sadness. No more drowning and suffocation. No more worries and struggles. No more pleasing. No more guilt. Just stillness and peace.

Everyone will get what they want. Everyone wins. Everyone will be gratified, satisfied, justified.

I could be…free. I could be me…somewhere.

People will have a huge sigh relief.

Victorious revenge for those who have judged me as the Evil Ungrateful. Whether I deserve the punishment and banishment or not, whether I am right or wrong, it doesn’t matter anymore.

I’m tired of fighting. I have chosen to surrender my defenses. People can take what they want. People can have what they want. No resistance. No cares.

The imprints are so deeply set. They are still there no matter how many high tide and low tides have passed.

I tried to make as many moments. I tried to create as many memories. In between, life and people weren’t so kind. I had my chaos, tears and ridiculous dramatic battles.

I have bled. I have cried. I have fallen agonal and voiceless. But I’m still here for reasons I can’t explain nor hide.

It’s rare to see and feel everything so still. For most, I settled for okay or close to okay.

I learned to adapt and pretend. I learned to be numb and smile like it’s real. I’m doing better in looking happy and fine. Some days seem so real in it’s goodness that I start believing it could be true.

Home are people we can’t forget. Dream Home are People the heart longingly dreams to have but could never because of destiny, choices and circumstances.

My iPhone Photo Library gave me a quick recount of how I lived my 2021. A lot of awesome joyful Family road trips and outdoor adventures. Many of them I have forgotten. My memory isn’t as sharp as it was. I easily forget things now. The details, a blur.

Some are born to leave. Some are meant to fly. Some are destined to return. But till then, we keep living with hearts always open. Hope.

Then there are days and dates in between the Photo Events that are missing. What was I doing then? Was I Work busy? Was I in my withdrawn, sad World? Or was I just taking a break from Social Media and rediscovering myself in importance with self care? Was I healing? Was I breaking? Was I in the middle of a storm?

Again, my memory is blank, unable to remember and recall no matter how much I try. A sign that my Brain Memory Cells and Neurons are starting to die. Something that happens when we get old and accelerated by stress and unhealthy lifestyle.

He will grow up more of everything that I am then and now. He is my treasure. He is my Hope. He is all that I have forgotten. He is my Youth. He is my smile. One day, he will tell me stories we did together so I can remember. The Notebook is a possibility to all.

Should I call them this New Year? Will they talk to me? Will they forgive me even if I believe I haven’t done anything wrong? Am I still part of that Family that once were more precious than my life itself?

Will we all be humble enough to let go of the past and it’s enormous pride so we can start a new kinder future together in 2022?

Homecoming or vacation? Reunion or escape? It’s always a mix of bitter and sweet. Can’t it just be all sweet? Can it all just be happy times, peace and harmony? Why can’t everyone just get along? Why do I have to choose or be asked to choose? It’s not fair. It’s not just. It was never kind nor right. But why does it goes on and on?

I do have a few major regrets. I do have a few wishes I hope will happen. I could never be fully whole nor my happiness complete until I get to fix and mend these few regrets. I know it’s important, but why I am too terrified to try? Am I a coward? Am I too proud? Am I selfish? Or is it unresolved PTSD? Could be all.

Sometimes, I catch myself staring in blank space, dreaming of happy endings and possibilities. People don’t really understand the price and sacrifices Dreamers have to make following their hearts and love. It’s both a tragic and exciting life.

It is hard to love oneself fully when part of us haven’t reconciled with People and relationships that needed reconciliation and closure.

It is hard to feel completely home when home is defined as the distance point between now and then, childhood and adulthood separated apart by oceans and continents. Standing on firm ground, but often drifting. Present but never whole.

Our zip codes keeps changing but always has been refuge and sanctuary for three for the past 16 years. Probably why it’s easy to just jump from one place to the next and call it Home. I have a feeling, another new zip code will happen in 5 years. Could be sooner. Destiny like to surprise. No such thing as being fully ready. We trust God always have a better plan.

I don’t want anymore things this New Year. I just want healing of everyone’s broken heart and brokenness. I just want genuine forgiveness to happen to everyone.

I could hear their laughter. I could hear their voices. If only I can join them again as if nothing happened.

Will 2022 give me happier and more successful stories? Or will it have the same regrets, just resetting to day 1?

I want to believe it will be more and better. A clean slate of choices I haven’t done or failed to do.

I am not into New Year Resolutions but this year I will be focusing on Healing and Reconciliation with those my heart yearns to make peace and connect. I just pray the outcome are kindness and happiness for all.

Can we break the chains of 2021 and the past before? We’ll see by doing more. Entrance to Whale Cove. It didn’t stop me from going for my dream adventure.

The clock has just reset. Yesterday’s last Sunset is gone forever. Time lost another year and its many could have beens. Perhaps today and the new days thereafter, I am braver, stronger, more assertive. Courage and Change.

New Year’s Eve, we choose to do what we love and hope it continues in 2022. We drove at 6:30 AM to Hayward, then Redwood City for my Son’s direct buy transactions of vintage Army Figures and Star Wars Clone Troopers. Then to Montara for an adventure hike to Whale Cove for me. Then to Japantown SF for food experiences and Goodwill shopping for wife and son. The Sunset at Cliff House Lands End was a bonus gift of 2021 before it ended.

A giant Dragonfly flew from the horizon to witness the last Sunset. People below were waiting with excitement and anticipation, Sunset’s last performance of the year. It was the last Golden Hour of 2021. And it ended with Magic and Amazement.

We had our To Go Japanese Food inside our car as the Sunset disappeared. It was beautiful. Everything was beautiful. It was festive. Better than countdown parties and fireworks. Everyone was happy and got what they wanted. Took 4 cups of coffee to finish them all, but so worth it.

This was my last happiest memory of the Philippines. I can’t just erase 30 years of wonderful feelings and emotions nor replace them. It is part of who I am. Will always be. Letting go was never an option. So, I’m hopeful when the Prodigal Son returns, my Father and Mother will welcome me with an embrace I miss so much everyday. I don’t care about inheritance. I don’t care about wealth. It was always about love, acceptance, understanding and belongingness. May their eyes see me as me. May their hearts welcome me with all my brokenness, mistakes and imperfections. I can only hope and pray for the best possible outcomes. The rest is up to God’s hands.

Wife and Son stayed in the car. I ventured to Whale Cove all by myself. There’s hardly any soul in Paradise. It was like the beach made sure I get to enjoy it in its entirety and solitude. I closed my eyes. The waves are having a concert. The air smelled pureness and vigor. My heart bounding then peace and calmness. Happiness I can appreciate with all my senses. It’s how I want to remember and celebrate the last day of the year. 12/31/21

May everyone fully immerse and enjoy the surprises of this New Year and not be in a hurry to end it. Savor time. Let every senses come alive with each new wonderful moment, discovery and experience.

Happy New Year Blogger Friends and Readers. I will catch up on my readings and visits soon. Work and Life just got very busy. Thank you for being a part of an unforgettable 2021. You all inspired me in so many meaningful ways. I’m truly grateful for all the support, kindness and adventures.

I haven’t seen San Francisco so clear that I could see the inner city as far as Ocean Beach Lands End. It was at its glorious but not much People outside the streets. Most relaxing drive in an otherwise hectic city. As for COVID, one need vaccine proof and booster to dine in. They are that serious with Omicron and Delta. We get to enjoy our Holidays because People feel safer to go out and mingle. Tourists included.

“Joy to the World” and “Peace on Earth,” if only they are that simple. But perhaps 2022 will be better because People will choose being better.

Oh, another New Year’s Resolution, “No more assumptions. No more pretending. Authenticity.”

About Island Traveler

Just a Man too curious where his dreams will take him.
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39 Responses to A Year of Almost No Regrets

  1. Happy new year! The pictures and video are amazing, as always. Sounds like a peaceful vacation. I hope u are able to reconcile with ur parents soon.

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    • It was my last happy homecoming vacation, though it’s was also the most stressful. Years of trying to avoid the thing I first most happened. I actually had a bad feeling it would happen years before that. People do change even if we grew up with them and no one is truly other than ourselves. Thank you.

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  2. sifanelwe says:

    Hello Island traveler. Even though you secretly wished you could just disappear so things will be over, I am glad you took heart and continued to venture on! I always say we are all adventures (within ourselves) and we should keep doing this life thing regardless of the good or bad we face. Happy new year and may God continue to bless you and your family.

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    • Thank you. This is a kind and inspiring comment. Yes, sometimes people can be mean, and circumstances overwhelming , but our lives are worth more than the most painful and saddest of all moments and experiences. Yes, glad I ventured moving forward too. And the Blog I think speaks for itself of that roller coaster adventure & journey. Today is a good day and I’m thankful.

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  3. Just call them, thy are likely waiting. Just maybe everything is waiting for you call, not just for them but for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Happy New Year to you and your family. I’m glad to hear that you made the most of 2021 despite the pandemic and all the craziness in the world around us. Wishing you all the best in 2022.

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  5. Dear Writer, I can say that I feel blessed to have met you last year on this blog. I have enjoyed your travels up and down the coast and you have introduced me to so many places, I have visited on my last trip at your coast. And I admire you for so freely express your thoughts and emotions, you have taught me a lot and I’m looking forward to be part of journey in the Year 2022. Thank you my friend and I wish you a peaceful and healthy New Year. Your reader Cornelia

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  6. ourcrossings says:

    I often wonder how much this Pandemic has affected us, how much it has taught us and how much there is that we have known of ourselves and of our lives whilst continuing to battle a global mission to save the World! When life has almost all come to a halt, our major life goals have taken a backseat and the complexities of human survival have boiled down to staying in our bubble and practising good hand hygiene, we surely have an ample amount of time up our sleeves!

    Nothing in life should be taken for granted. We have to be mindful of what we are doing to our planet, our country, our society, our relationships and to ourselves. We cannot undermine the fact that to be happy, we have to be around happy people, with nice neighbours, living in a peaceful country and on a sustainable planet where resources are being used judiciously, not exploited!

    All the facets are interrelated, you take one for granted, and the entire circle falls out of place resulting in small to big disasters!

    The future is your story to write… make next year the best one yet. Aiva 🙂

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  7. Ab says:

    Happy new year to you, your wife and son! It sounded like a wonderful way to close off the year. Despite the ups and downs of the year, you always find a way to infuse your and your family’s days with joy and adventure – and that is the trick in weathering all the storms that life throws our way.

    Your photos from your last trip to the Philippines are equally beautiful. How I would love to go back there one day soon as well. Without knowing much about your familial situation, I get the sense it was very painful and full of regret. It’s never too late to course correct the past. I believe that parents will love their child no matter what and while it may be uncomfortable and awkward to revisit the past, time does heal all wounds. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

    Here’s to a great year ahead!

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    • Thanks Ab. Yes, it was the most painful and heartbreaking of all my Home coming. People have no idea what was going on in my head. No idea what the heart feels for ever smile. Usually it’s all joy and happy reunion. Last visit was so different. I guess it was inevitable. Family struggles we can only try to save for as long as we can. Then it breaks in such a massive way it’s almost impossible to repair. Took 13 years. It’s surprising my heart and sanity was able to bare it that long. I am however hopeful. God will find a way where people have given up or don’t know how to fix. Happy New Year Ab. 2022 will be better because we will make it better.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I understand the feeling of strained and broken relationships with love ones. Sometimes I say to myself, “David, all you can do is ALL you can do.” Please don’t be too hard on yourself, friend. Our interactions with others are almost always a two way street. You appear to be doing the right things: valuing your wife and son, spending time in God’s beautiful creation to decompress, sharing your honest thoughts in writing. Keep going, my friend. Please know that what you do every day (as a medical pro) is valued and appreciated. Blessings to you and yours in the new year!

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  9. arlene says:

    Such deep realizations about life. Let’s forward to 2022. It might be better.

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  10. Anonymous says:

    Really gorgeous photos! Wishing you the best in 2022! 😎

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  11. elvira797mx says:

    Happy 2022! Best wishes and blessings.
    Amazing photos! Thank’s for share.
    Elvira

    Liked by 1 person

  12. lakmidee says:

    Wish you a blessed and a joyful new year !

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  13. cindy knoke says:

    Happy & Healthy New Year to you!

    Liked by 2 people

  14. Beautiful photos, all of them. Here’s to a blessed and joyful 2022! 😊🙏 What an awesome way to spend New Year’s Eve!!

    Liked by 3 people

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