People assume I have this amazing life. People assume I’m always happy. People assume I will say yes to everyone because I’m generalized as The Nice Guy. People assume I can help everyone. So many assumptions. So many expectations. So many assigned, implied roles and responsibilities.
I can’t say this year was all blissful and blessed. It had its worst to a point that I lost myself, and secretly wished I will just disappear so things will be over.
No more pain and sadness. No more drowning and suffocation. No more worries and struggles. No more pleasing. No more guilt. Just stillness and peace.
Everyone will get what they want. Everyone wins. Everyone will be gratified, satisfied, justified.
People will have a huge sigh relief.
Victorious revenge for those who have judged me as the Evil Ungrateful. Whether I deserve the punishment and banishment or not, whether I am right or wrong, it doesn’t matter anymore.
I’m tired of fighting. I have chosen to surrender my defenses. People can take what they want. People can have what they want. No resistance. No cares.
I tried to make as many moments. I tried to create as many memories. In between, life and people weren’t so kind. I had my chaos, tears and ridiculous dramatic battles.
I have bled. I have cried. I have fallen agonal and voiceless. But I’m still here for reasons I can’t explain nor hide.
I learned to adapt and pretend. I learned to be numb and smile like it’s real. I’m doing better in looking happy and fine. Some days seem so real in it’s goodness that I start believing it could be true.
My iPhone Photo Library gave me a quick recount of how I lived my 2021. A lot of awesome joyful Family road trips and outdoor adventures. Many of them I have forgotten. My memory isn’t as sharp as it was. I easily forget things now. The details, a blur.
Then there are days and dates in between the Photo Events that are missing. What was I doing then? Was I Work busy? Was I in my withdrawn, sad World? Or was I just taking a break from Social Media and rediscovering myself in importance with self care? Was I healing? Was I breaking? Was I in the middle of a storm?
Again, my memory is blank, unable to remember and recall no matter how much I try. A sign that my Brain Memory Cells and Neurons are starting to die. Something that happens when we get old and accelerated by stress and unhealthy lifestyle.
Should I call them this New Year? Will they talk to me? Will they forgive me even if I believe I haven’t done anything wrong? Am I still part of that Family that once were more precious than my life itself?
Will we all be humble enough to let go of the past and it’s enormous pride so we can start a new kinder future together in 2022?
I do have a few major regrets. I do have a few wishes I hope will happen. I could never be fully whole nor my happiness complete until I get to fix and mend these few regrets. I know it’s important, but why I am too terrified to try? Am I a coward? Am I too proud? Am I selfish? Or is it unresolved PTSD? Could be all.
It is hard to love oneself fully when part of us haven’t reconciled with People and relationships that needed reconciliation and closure.
It is hard to feel completely home when home is defined as the distance point between now and then, childhood and adulthood separated apart by oceans and continents. Standing on firm ground, but often drifting. Present but never whole.
I don’t want anymore things this New Year. I just want healing of everyone’s broken heart and brokenness. I just want genuine forgiveness to happen to everyone.
Will 2022 give me happier and more successful stories? Or will it have the same regrets, just resetting to day 1?
I want to believe it will be more and better. A clean slate of choices I haven’t done or failed to do.
I am not into New Year Resolutions but this year I will be focusing on Healing and Reconciliation with those my heart yearns to make peace and connect. I just pray the outcome are kindness and happiness for all.
The clock has just reset. Yesterday’s last Sunset is gone forever. Time lost another year and its many could have beens. Perhaps today and the new days thereafter, I am braver, stronger, more assertive. Courage and Change.
New Year’s Eve, we choose to do what we love and hope it continues in 2022. We drove at 6:30 AM to Hayward, then Redwood City for my Son’s direct buy transactions of vintage Army Figures and Star Wars Clone Troopers. Then to Montara for an adventure hike to Whale Cove for me. Then to Japantown SF for food experiences and Goodwill shopping for wife and son. The Sunset at Cliff House Lands End was a bonus gift of 2021 before it ended.
We had our To Go Japanese Food inside our car as the Sunset disappeared. It was beautiful. Everything was beautiful. It was festive. Better than countdown parties and fireworks. Everyone was happy and got what they wanted. Took 4 cups of coffee to finish them all, but so worth it.
May everyone fully immerse and enjoy the surprises of this New Year and not be in a hurry to end it. Savor time. Let every senses come alive with each new wonderful moment, discovery and experience.
Happy New Year Blogger Friends and Readers. I will catch up on my readings and visits soon. Work and Life just got very busy. Thank you for being a part of an unforgettable 2021. You all inspired me in so many meaningful ways. I’m truly grateful for all the support, kindness and adventures.
“Joy to the World” and “Peace on Earth,” if only they are that simple. But perhaps 2022 will be better because People will choose being better.
Oh, another New Year’s Resolution, “No more assumptions. No more pretending. Authenticity.”