Finding Me at Fort Funston

Too early for Joy? Not Really. Too soon for Bright and Merry? Not at all. Holiday Cheer? Anytime now please.

It takes only one symbol to remind us Christmas is something we already have all throughout the year. We don’t need a calendar for it. Holiday Camper we got for free at World Market. Yep, forever car fixture 2022.

My mood swings were shifting badly from Mr. Lonely to Angry Brat. It’s suppose to be a weekend of fun and relaxation after 6 straight days of work, but Grumpy Grinch me took over and stole all my Joy and Calm.

View from the top overlooking the coastline of San Francisco.

I was worse than Scrooge in The Christmas Carol. I hated being cold and miserable. It wasn’t me at all. Was I possessed? Do I need Exorcism? Seems like it. “Father, forgive me for I have sinned.” How many? Too many to count.

We see Beauty, but miss Fragility. Just one more push, perhaps a stronger Aggressor, and off the cliff Beauty goes. Monsters comes in all Faces, Shapes and Forms. Many don’t even know they are Monsters to someone’s Living Nightmares.

“If being sweet and kind equals I’m sorry, then it worked. But may be, it’s just because they love me that much, and that they truly just want me to be happy. I don’t know. I’m too scared to ask. So, I assume they do. I assume they understand.”

I have walked on both. Light and Darkness. End of the Tunnel is real. So is the abyss. I climbed the steep Hill so I can reach its roof that is now covered with soil, trees, bushes, concrete and graffitis. It is of what’s left of History.

Monday, Wife needs to drop off 4 Holiday boxes for International Shipment. News was hope. There are several Coastal Hiking Trails close to it. Perhaps I’ll find my Joy and Calm again. Perhaps I’ll find me.

Standing at its highest point. No one in sight except me. It was peaceful.

Driving to Daly City was nice. Freeway not busy. All was smooth except someone almost hit our car on my driver’s side. While I moved my car forward to back up safely, a blue car out of nowhere tried to park where I was about to park pretending we were not there at all. Sneaky, and wow!

SF National Parks preserves Nature and History. It’s proof that a City can prosper both with the new and the old. Balance. Compromise. Conservation. Selfless. Future.

Anyways, I pretended not to see the blue car too and was able to successfully parked my car. Strange why people like to park in clusters when the parking lot was so spacious. Competition thrill? To annoy? Well, it worked. I was annoyed.

Battery David from afar. Strong and Brave, as always.

Fort Funston, 6 years after wasn’t the same place I remember. It was better, so much better. I wasn’t the same, either. 6 years after, I was from good then to worse now. Wish I can tell you differently. Truth as always.

Seems easy until it was time to climb back up.

My first memory of Fort Funston was chilly, Foggy, misty, a contrast to today’s moment of beautiful warm Sun with clear Skies and bluest of blue Ocean. Everything looks Postcard perfect.

Time Heals and Builds. Time can also destroy in the wrong hands. Climate Change and Global Warning will one day reclaim this beach. Enjoy and appreciate what we have today. Take pictures. Make videos. Create great moments and memories. They might all that we have 50 years from now.

Happy People and happy Dogs everywhere. Their Happiness, contagious and rubbing on me. It’s true that when you surround yourself with more energetic, positive and happy People, we tend to mirror their emotions and mood. Like when someone smiles at us, don’t we smile back, even if it’s forced or crooked?

Forgotten. Reinvented. Above the deck, the beach looked different. Perhaps it’s psychological. Maybe it is. My mind can be too creative and trusting. That is a liability. Not everyone is trustworthy. Not everyone is deserving.

I turned on my Surfin’ USA Beach Boys Playlist as I proceed on my Coastal Hiking Trail.

Few minutes later, I was singing, dancing, rolling and waving my hands in the air. I was Euphoric. I was High on Happy. I got Music. I got Rhythm. I got Sunshine. I got me back.

I left the World behind me, and entered the World that I lost. I felt every cell in my body reactivated and powered up. Streams of peace and happiness just flowing in abundance. I felt alive again. I felt me again.

Alone but not Lonely. Isolated but in Cozy Solitude. Anti-Social but so comfortable and content being by myself. Is it crazy? Is it weird? Don’t know. Don’t care. It just felt so good.

Cobwebs are beautiful, but why do People destroy them when it’s Home to Spiders who are not hurting anyone. Humans like to destroy things because it gives them amusement and power rush. Cleanliness is NOT Godliness. Humans made that up to feel better.

Middle Age is a milestone of make it or break it, not just about Success in life but on Happiness, Relationships and Wellness. It can be a glorious age or can be very difficult and challenging. It’s mix and match of best and worst, more or less, Winners and Losers with lots of People in the middle just trying, struggling, surviving. It’s Gold, Dust and Sand.

We can’t run from our past if our memories are still haunted by them. We can bury the memories but they will resurface when we let our guard down. Can be very exhausting.

Many have fallen and never found themselves again. The World don’t talk about them. We don’t talk about them. Their stories and dreams erased like they never existed, but they did exist. Once, they were real People that mattered.

I see more because I believe there is more.

If we close our eyes in absolute silence, we can hear their faint cries and echoes. They only wished to be remembered. Perhaps, given a second chance to do things differently. Those cries and echoes can be our own.

Goddess of Dogs by Fort Funston. She watches and protects all her Beloved and their Human Families.

Been fighting anxiety, depression and anger for a few years now. Many don’t believe me when I tell them my story or what I’m going through. They think I’m not serious nor is it serious.

They see me as someone too happy or makes everyone happy that me being unhappy sounds unbelievable. Makes me relate all the more to People going through Mental Health feeling unheard, ignored, dismissed, alone.

Some days, it’s easier to give up and let the Demons take over. I am still there when it happens, just paralyzed, voiceless, unable to do anything. I don’t struggle because I know it does end and everything restarts looking all perfect and amazing like nothing happened.

Being Lost didn’t happen by accident. People, Events and Life Circumstances pushed us to get Lost. No training. No survival kit. It’s all instincts and self preservation, if that is the path of choosing. Then, there’s the easy way out.

Society, including Friends and Family are not ready to honestly deal with Mental Health. We advertised that we do, but rattled and turn our backs when someone opens up and ask our help.

We keep saying we understand Mental Health, but our actions are major disappointments, this includes Health Care Professionals who supposedly are knowledgeable and experienced.

Mental Health is still a Taboo and Mental Illness still considered an embarrassment and scandal by many. Symptoms of Mental illness can cripple if not kill. That is how real and serious Mental Health Problem is to someone experiencing its worsts without support and help.

Abandoned or still welcomed? Insignificant or still useful? Discarded or still valuable?

I know, there are People like me out there struggling with their Demons too both self created and unleashed by other People. We need to keep going. We need to keep fighting. We need to keep living. We do have resources and caring Health Providers out there. We just need to find the one that works and understands.

Who’s trapped? Who’s free? Depends on which side we are looking from. They say, “Happiness is a choice.” It is but also not. Wagon behind Bars, Bars behind Wagon. Location and Perspective.

Be Home from within this Christmas and the Holidays. Be our own gift of Joy and Calm. Light up bright to illuminate all darkness. Smile until we smile happy. Dance till we’re floating on Happiness.

They are more than just rust and dirt. They are more than just letters and words. They are screams. They are footprints. They are messages and stories. They are People. They are hearts hoping to be loved, accepted and be made whole once again.

Uphill climbing was harder. Took several stops to catch my breathe. I was so glad to reach the car. Relieved. Reborn.

Demon Slayer or Demon State? Depends on the State of Mind, Mood and Circumstances.

Wife asked me as soon as I entered the car, “Happy?” My answer, “Very.” I then shared with her all my little hiking adventures like I just had my second cup of Nespresso. Yep, I can be very talkative when very excited.

Finally, I bought myself Hiking Shoes. Everything seems close and easy. I was running up and down sands like I was stepping on rocks.

“Mood is a series of emotions from extremes of nothingness to blessed comfort. Where we are most content and happiest, that is the goal, that is the dream state. It’s never constant. It changes like Climate and Weather. Seize the good ones, and deal quickly the bad ones. It’s a cycle. So, Hope is always there.”

Mood is a symptom. We don’t ignore it. We don’t ignore us.

I took a short cut because there’s no reason to delay what the heart is aiming for. Still took an hour for everything, but every moment was well spent. I think my Wellness was well deserved and hard earned. I think I was worth an hour.

We all have our Fort Funston. It’s our Happy Place. It’s where everything feels right, safe and free. It’s our Place of Escape and Reset so we can go back to the real World okay and ready.

Cherish that Circle that accepts us for who we are and willing to stay in the middle of the crazy mood swings and inner terror. Don’t forget to thank all, beginning with ourselves. We didn’t make it this far without the Self holding everything together.

It’s Thanksgiving. I just want to thank all of you for the generous encouragement and support. The Blogging Space has been one of my Fort Funston. It’s been everything I want and need it to be. Here, I get to be me whenever, wherever. Here, I get to find me. May it does the same for you. Never give up you. Stronger Together.

Grateful and Blessed. Thank You Everyone.🙏

About Island Traveler

Just a Man too curious where his dreams will take him.
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30 Responses to Finding Me at Fort Funston

  1. My Rollercoaster Journey says:

    Thank you for this post. I needed it. I started reading it last night but was too tired and I fell asleep. Woke up and the 1st thing I did was finish reading this post. I love how you reflect on the pictures you take and on the journeys you make. You make me feel as if im with you. Im learning from you as a writer and as a person. I struggle with anxiety and my family don’t get it. I’ve been to several doctors and they said my body is sensitive to stress. Im supposed to be eating healthy but I m not so that’s on me, but I don’t like being called out on my mood swings like im being dramatic on purpose.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts and heart. We are going through the same, being in this constant tug of war of moods, emotions, anxiety, sadness, even anger and frustrations, but no one seems to understand nor care. Even among People who suppose to be our anchor, they don’t get it nor fully believed it’s a real trauma and negative experience. I believe now that for a person to truly relate is for them to have gone through it themselves. Thus, I really relate with respect, care and empathy when both patients and friends start opening up about it. I see myself in them, and I want to respond the way I way I want others to respond to me. Many People still don’t know how to handle and accept Mental Health. Also, our World is advertising all amazing and awesome happy fun stuff all the time, and problems and it’s emotional effects are being skipped when it’s part of life, real life. I hope things get better in your side of the World. You are valuable, and you’re well being is of utmost importance. Never forget to try happy for you. I’m just a blog away. Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

      • My Rollercoaster Journey says:

        Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. You have my empathy and my respect. In a world where men are raised not to express their emotions, you are brave to go against the status quo. To feel is to be human and all feelings are valid. As you said, we are taught in society to only show the good side, and this toxic positivity is what makes it really hard to express outlr negative feelings because they come with a lot of guilt and shame. We need more vulnerability and honesty in our conversations. We need to ask other people “how are you” and really listen to the truth, not just expect a “fine thank you” and move on.


        • Thank you. I totally agree. We have so many generic close ended questions and response that are meant to shut people and dismiss their real concerns and problems. Like when we try to express a real time worry, people respond with, “You’re okay,” like those two words will fix and address what we are going through. Or when we try to vent a frustration, we are told, “No Worries,” or “NP” for no problem. Obviously , we are worried and there is a problem. So more than ever, Self Declared Mental Health Days for Self Care are important. We alone become our own kind Healer that understands without judgment and negativity. Just is.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. judithhb says:

    Thanks my friend for sharing the day, your thoughts and your moods.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s funny how much of a difference being outdoors can have on your mood. Sorry to hear that you were feeling grumpy earlier. We all have our moments and it’s okay to not be okay every once in awhile. I’m glad you found your happy place though. It must have been neat to return to a place and look back and think about what’s changed.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. ogaraderrick says:

    We won’t make it easy for our demons to win.
    Bless you Big Man🤝

    Liked by 1 person

  5. ourcrossings says:

    You guys are truly blessed with stunning scenery along the rugged Pacific coastline, and there are no better places than California’s beaches where to enjoy nature and outdoor recreation. May you celebrate thanksgiving day with love in your heart, a prosperous vision in your mind, and gratitude in your being. Thanksgiving wishes to everyone! Aiva 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. gabychops says:

    Happy Thanksgiving!


    Liked by 1 person

  7. Thanks for sharing is a wonderful hike.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I must say, that your amazing images go so very well with your writing, they really express your feelings all along, It’s like your captures speak through your words. I can’t agree more with you that mental challenges are still delt like a tabu in some way or another. I admire you for speaking about so openly , as well I am happy that you found your happy place on your hike. Being out in the nature is a healing tool and use this very well. I hope you can continue to enjoy this coming holyday season, my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. arlene says:

    Such wonderful reflections about life. I takes courage to admit that not everything is okay.
    I agree that heals all wounds. Communing with Nature is one of the best things that one can do and you did again. I love this post…truly🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Arlene. I shed my first tears the first day I fought for my dreams. I didn’t realize, there was more and it goes on and on. I guess Life is a constant shower of Joy and sadness. No such thing as perfect all the time. I’m grateful I have a blogging community to express and share the pain, sadness and frustrations. People around me are not as kind or understanding. I learned that many years ago, and just get disappointed whenever I try to give people a chance.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Ab says:

    I’m very sorry that you are going through a particularly rough patch. Having to work six consecutive days in a row, in these challenging times, certainly doesn’t help! You have every reason to feel like a Grinch.

    But I’m glad that you pushed through and found a day of sunshine and restoration in Fort Funston. Looks like quite the beautiful spot!

    I can totally relate to your comments about people being in disbelief about the inner turmoil you are going through. But it’s great that you have this outlet to write about and to express your feelings. I hope it continues to help.

    I hope you and your family gets to have some rest and relaxation this weekend. Happy Thanksgiving!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Ab. I appreciate the inspiration and support. I think, many can only relate when they themselves went through similar hard times and struggles with emotional and mental health and how it came to be. Overall , People don’t know when to stop, even those we consider Friends and Family even if we are already begging them too. It’s like what we say and do doesn’t translate to sensible messages and signs that they can understand. It’s true that many do feel invisible because of these. Sometimes, it’s tempting to wish to just disappear and be off the grid if not for responsibilities and People that depends on me. I bet, many feel and have thought the same way. Escape not for vacation but survive the rest of what the days and years have in store. In the Bright side, it’s a new day, and new reasons to feel hopeful, happy and motivated. Take care.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Ab says:

        Yes, I hear you on this as I’m going through similar challenges right now around boundary setting. It’s especially hard with family and friends as you say – and it’s tempting to want to disappear for a bit. But you’re a good person. I know you wouldn’t do that out of responsibility! So it’s good that you take the moment to escape!


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